The Playful Dad

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The Playful Dad - book excerpt 

Introduction

            There are no shortcuts to becoming a good dad. No pill to take. No book to read, not even this one. Fatherhood is a lifelong process. AS you walk along. AS you sit down. AS you rise up. DAILY work. Just like running or hitting the gym, the more you do it, the more it becomes part of your way of life; it doesn't necessarily get easier, but it doesn't require as much effort to get things rolling IF you work at it every day. It is easier to steer a moving car, right? Get moving on the path to being a playful dad and adjust your course as you go.

            Some of you didn't have a dad at all, others had a father who was physically present, but emotionally absent. It will be easier for you, in some ways, to be a good dad, because anything is better than nothing. However, fatherhood is about loving, living, and learning alongside your kids. AND playing with them. If you don't like to play, learn! Kids are fun teachers; ask them how to play. It is important that you do not shut them down. If they ask you to do something that you find embarrassing or awkward, think about all the times your own parents let you down, and how nice it would have been had they been willing to be embarrassed for you.

            Let me introduce you to the concept of 'The Playful Dad.' He is alive deep down inside every father who is too tired to get down on the floor and wrestle with Junior after work. The Playful Dad wants desperately to have his children as his friends, no matter how grumpy he may seem. The Playful Dad may have been worked to the bone and driven to find other ways to show his kids he loves them, but The Playful Dad can be awakened within each of us, if we but try.

            There is a serious lack of fatherhood role models for today's young dads. Fatherhood dot org quotes data from the United States Census Bureau claiming that 24 million children in this country (roughly one in three) live without their biological father. That was 2010, and the trend has probably increased that ratio. With nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, the likelihood that children have good role models for being a father is not high. Now that you are a dad, or soon will be one, you are thinking about how you can be a better father than your Dad was. That is admirable. The Playful Dad is a good father.

            Historically, fathers would take their boys out into the field to help with whatever task was at hand as soon as junior was able to help. Whether in an agrarian setting, where Junior would learn how to plant and harvest crops, or in a community of hunters, where the pursuit of meat meant boys would have a 'coming of age,' when they were treated like one of the men, there was a direct line between father and son that has been lost in today's society. On the other hand, dads rarely got to spend time with their daughters in the aforementioned arrangements, and today's fathers have a leg up in THAT regard.

            How much a father may have played with his children in bygone epochs is a matter of debate, since we tend to view survival as more important than play, but since so much play can be used to teach those skills, I am inclined to believe that playtime had an important role, especially with the younger ones who could not join Papa in the hunt or in the fields. Modern children hardly know their fathers, not just because of their living arrangements, but also because of the change in lifestyle that has removed Dad's livelihood from the homestead. How can you take a break to play with your kids when you go away from them to an office for 8 or 10 hours every day? How can you teach them life skills when they are being trained by strangers in everything from basic health and hygiene, like brushing teeth, to how to resolve conflict with bullies? Granted, not everyone can quit the 9-to-5 work routine and start a business or home-school or move into a rural area to practice a subsistence lifestyle, but have you considered what our modern standard of living has done to our children's ability to live well?

            Just because you don't recall playing with your father doesn't mean he didn't try. However, do you remember your Dad being playful? Was he serious all the time? Was he able to make a joke at his own expense or do you remember him laughing only when you did something? The power that a father has over his children is mind-numbing, especially in the way it echoes through the generations. A father who makes his kids think that he is laughing at their expense is sowing seeds of inferiority that will blossom into a myriad of psychological issues later on in life. But a dad who makes his kids laugh, who plays with them in whatever way he can, who demonstrates an ability to smile in the face of life, this man reaps generations of happiness.

Play

            Even if you don't know HOW to play with your kids, it's important that you try. Children are very forgiving if you don't know the rules to their game, whether it is a structured board game or a made-up role-playing adventure using stuffed animals. Simply by showing interest in what they're doing, by getting down on the floor next to them, you are assigning honor to their little psyches and are telling them without words that they are important to you. They are more important than your career. They are more important than the news. They are more important than your own relaxation. Whether you take your little ones outside to play catch or sit at the card table and have tea with "Mrs. Nesbit," your play teaches the next generation so much about their own worth, regardless of any skill that may also be passed along.

            The younger the child, the easier it is to keep them entertained; from making silly faces and odd noises, to playing hide-and-seek with your hands over your face, you will find that little ones will delight in the attention you are giving. You may find them laughing hysterically or attempting to mimic your face, noise, or action, even within the first few days of life. Don't be discouraged if the little one just sits there like a lump and stares at you; some kids develop faster than others, and some seem to just soak it all in without ANY response, but the time you are putting in, face to face, is shaping that youngster, as you become a regular, normal part of life. If you add in singing and plenty of touch, from simple snuggles, to hand-holding, to games of patty-cake, your babies will KNOW that you love them!

            Once you hit toddlerdom, the games will change in complexity only in how the connections are being made in your child's head. Simple games like patty-cake and hide-and-seek move into full-body mode, as you add in more than just gross motor skills. I find two- and three-year-olds to especially love it when you get down on the floor with them, whether to become a 'horse" to be ridden, or just to lie on the carpet and color together. Matching games can help make connections in their brains, and you will be surprised at how well little ones can do, especially when they don't have the distractions of news and business and interpersonal relationship squabbles that we adults have. Don't be surprised if they win! Don't get angry, either. But that is another issue, isn't it?

            Graduating to board games can occur at a rather early age, if your child can read, but even Candy Land can be fun, especially when you have more than two players. It is important that YOU play by the rules, even if your youngster doesn't quite understand them all. If you teach your kids that cheating is okay if YOU do it, then any attempt to undo that later in life will be met with scorn. You show yourself to be a hypocrite if you permit yourself to cheat, even on a silly game, and it is VITALLY important to live out the values you claim to espouse ALL the time. This is one of the reasons being a playful dad is so important, because your kids will see what values are paramount to you when your guard is down. Likewise, don't let your kids cheat! Some dads think it's good to LET their kids win. Personally, I don't. Whether it's a game of chess or Candy Land, I strive to beat the pants off my kids as if I were in a championship game for world domination. Why would I do that? Because it's not JUST about having fun, it is also about assigning value. Your kids will KNOW if you let them win and that will make them feel worse than if they NEVER win when they play a game with you. This is another reason that games of chance, like Candy Land, are so important, because you WILL sometimes lose.

            Playing is not just a matter of games, but also of toys. Cars, balls, blocks, dolls, action figures, stuffed animals, anything that can be made to move or build or represent something else; these are toys that dads should use in playing with their kids. And don't just use them as "intended," but use your OWN imagination. Does your toy truck talk? Can your stuffed teddy bear fly? Can you build a tower with balls? This teaches your kids that play is not confined to other people's rules or expectations and unleashes a plethora of pathways into your child's OWN imagination.