The Irish Kleptomaniac and other Gems

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The Irish Kleptomaniac and other Gems - book excerpt

The Artist

A French impressionist painter

Well known to folks everywhere

Hated going to the lavatory

Because he had to climb up the stair.

His legs were too short for his body

And on each trip he kept risking his neck.

So he built another lavatory downstairs

And that’s why they called him Two-Loos Lautrec.

The Disillusioned Mp

An outstanding Member of Parliament,

Known as Bill to friend and foe,

Was utterly devastated

When his nymphomaniac girlfriend

Gave him the old heave-ho.

His chums rallied round to console him,

they said; ‘It’s sad but still,

she was only interested in your private members Bill.’

The Sun Worshipper

On her first day in Spain

She lay out in the sun,

for a tan to show off upon her return.

She took a book of poems

Intending to read them by turns

She started with Browning

And she ended with Burns.

Oliver Twist

There’s not a lot of people know this,

Dickens great hero, Oliver Twist,

Served the Empire in Victoria’s day,

As a vice consul of note,

in parts quite remote.

Like Burma, Rangoon and Malay.

Once, when given his pick

On where he would like to go next,

he wasted no time thinking it over.

When asked for his preference

he said with great deference;

‘Please sir, may I have Samoa?’

The Pianist

The pianist came onto the platform,

To play a solo was his intent

But the lid of the concert grand

Fell on his hand

And left his fingers all twisted and bent.

Both hands now were quite useless’

to all that was perfectly clear.

So he got down on his knees,

Put his head on the keys

And said; ‘I’ll just play it by ear.’

Pears

When we go down to the orchard today,

We’ll go down two by two.

We’ll be picking ripe pears in the orchard today

And pears come in twos, that’s true.

We’ve already picked the ones from the top

But today we’ll pick the pick of the crop.

Cos today’s the day the ready pears have their next pick.

The Irish Kleptomaniac

Kathleen O’Hara, from Dublin,

Had strange goings-on at her home.

An unidentified person

Kept stealing her wee garden gnome.